To be a mother has never been an easy journey. Indeed, to be a parent is one that is as fraught with difficulties as it is filled with joy.
Now, to be a mother to a female child in a world that constantly limits women’s agency is to live with the reality that you have the responsibility to raise her to overcome odds which should never exist.
All this said, for feminist women who have daughters or are what we call girl mums, to exist as a feminist who is also a mother means that you have a sharpened sense of the harms of gendered norms and may want to raise your daughter to ignore them. It could be a multitude of things.
Several women have pointed out how embracing feminist values have helped them in their careers and self development journeys.
But how many women are open about how feminism helps them in their parenting journeys as girl mums?
To answer this question, Urban Woman Magazine asked some feminist girl mums to share how feminism inspires and influences the way they parent their daughters.
Read their responses below.
CA
I wasn’t even a proper feminist until I had my daughter.
Prior to delivery day, all the three scans I went for told me I was having a boy. I was praying for a boy. I kid you not when they told me “It’s a girl” a part of me was sad.
Having a daughter was the most beautiful and wonderful thing to happen to me. She’s literally an extension of me and I wouldn’t trade her for a million sons. Every decision I make is towards creating a world that she would blossom in. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes my mother made with me. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made.
Every day I tell her things I wanted to hear as a child. Things I wish my own mother told me. How her gender doesn’t define her. How she never has to settle because I am working towards a life where she never has to settle. I tell her to dream and let her ambitions rise and never ever let anyone tell her that she can’t be whatever she wants. Not even me. I will never be a coward like my mother and I will put myself and my daughter first just so she can choose herself everytime. Even when it comes to choosing between herself and me, she should choose herself.
I tell her how the world is. I teach her stories of the women that have come before us and how she can shape her world by herself by her hands. There is no man better than her and there is no man born of a woman that can break her spirit. Her voice matters. And if anyone, anyone tries to shame you for your background or gender, look them in the eyes and say “you are a fool”.
She never has to cry alone in her room wondering why a boy broke her heart and what she did wrong while her mom was entertaining guests. She never ever has to look after any of my children if I do have more because my children are my responsibility and not hers. She will not be the first daughter that I was. I had to put a pepper spray in my daughter’s bag as at 2023. Can you imagine that? Teaching your four year old that if a man touches you here scream and come and look for me? How do you even protect your child enough? I hate sending her to school. I hate being apart from her at any moment. Then there’s the constant worry. Her period, boys, friends, alcohol, weed, rapists, predators. Women aren’t safe and it’s painful to explain this to an innocent girl.
Raising a daughter is like raising a pet dragon. They have so much power that they don’t even know about. Just think of yourself. And ask yourself things you wish your mom did for you then do it for her. Be there for her. Be an adult, a friend every single experience she has should be with you. Please never ever shame your daughters. If there’s anything I’ve learnt from being a daughter, it’s that shame never leaves no matter how many times we try to scrub it off in the bathroom. It just doesn’t go away.
LO
One of the things I hated the most as a child was the constant reminder that all I did was for “husband house”. I once poured hot oil on my hand while cooking and my mum asked me if in the future I would abandon cooking and not give my husband food because I had a kitchen accident. And I would often reply God forbid I marry a man whose concern is food after I burnt myself.
As a girl mum now, I make sure that my daughter is not forced or coerced to do any house chores or spend her time doing ridiculous things in the name of husband house.
From when I delivered, during Omugwo, I had warned everyone about statements and words I would not allow around my child.
She is so bold and very outspoken. Started to talk and hold conversations as soon as she reached age 1. God forbid anyone will tell my child to shut up or that she talks to much. I heard my fair share of that, she wouldn’t have to deal with it.
I am very grateful for the child I have, she is a special breed. Things she does and says I just smile and say my daughter is a feminist through and through.
As a feminist, there are no boxes for my girl child. She is not boxed into a a box of “pinks”. I have taught her to explore and desire as much as her mind can carry.
Certain values and rules I make her uphold, people look at me and be like what are you doing? Especially our older generation parents.
For instance, my baby is going to say vagina and penis, deal with it. No coated names here.
She used to give out everything, immediately I noticed that I was like ahhh this girl wants to be like her grandma and her mother, hell no.
Boundaries we must set. She will often back her excessive niceness with “it is good to share”. Even though it meant she will go and be sad because she gave out her stuff. Then I cut a big cardboard one day, and wrote on it: “It is good to share when we want to share”. I remember how she was like Mama not all the time? I said no Baby, not all the time. That became her new mantra when it came to giving.
This is just one of the many examples of how I have and will make sure she set solid boundaries…. something I didn’t have, even till now, I’m still struggling.
It breaks my heart to always have to worry about her safety around men and women. Because these peadophiles are everywhere, most of the times within family and friends. So even at a young age, I have found a way to make her understand that anybody can be a predator.
You see that thing the society will frown at when you teach your girl child, do it. Shikena. I legit just go the opposite direction of how my mum raised me. So yeah, she is a first daughter not a mini mummy for any younger child, she will be anything she wants to be. No, her favorite color is not Pink, it can be other amazing colors doesn’t make her any less a girl. She is beautiful however she chooses to present herself, she doesn’t have to have bows and beads on her hair.
She is enough just as she is…. growing gracefully.
AA
The birth of my daughter (and all the events surrounding it) made me a better feminist. I don’t think I even knew what I was doing about feminism before then.
I also didn’t want to have a girl. I’d already even picked out boy names since I was like 12. I didn’t want to have a girl who would have to go through things like very painful periods, and all the other extra stressful things women went through. It was when I did my scan at about 7/8 months that I realised I was having a girl, and decided to pick out a name. Even then, I still secretly hoped the scan would be wrong and I’d give birth to a boy. I told myself I wasn’t ready for the heavy responsibility that came with having a girl.
In retrospect, I think of those thoughts now and shake my head. Because parenting with other parents in 2025 has showed me that it’s not exactly easy to raise both a boy and girl, as a feminist these days. Almost everything you do is questioned, especially if you and your child are not isolated.
Being feminist has definitely influenced the way I teach and parent her.
One of them is simply teaching her not to ever shrink, or think small of both herself and the world. It shows up in things like not asking her to say “please” when she wants something. When she was about a year old and I started teaching her some words, i noticed something after I taught her the word “please”. She would say please and rub her palms together like this 👏 for literally EVERYTHING.
It wasn’t even up to two whole days before I realised this and told her to stop saying please. Obviously she’s not yet understood when to say it and when not to. So for now, she is banned from saying “please”. If she wants something, I tell her to point to it and say “I want so and so” or simply ask for it. If she can’t have it, I let her know why, and let her go about her business. (Of course there may be tantrums😂 but we’re working on that). I always let her know that there’s nothing she can’t ask for. She may not get it, but she can ask for anything at all.
I’m also teaching her to not be shy, and I think this one is easier because she is her mother’s daughter after all. She’s in the era of narrating every single thing that she sees, and I’m always encouraging her, by asking her and listening to/contributing to her stories. One day we were with a neighbour, and she was her usual chatty and narrating self. I’d just come back from work and she was demonstrating all the things that had happened that day, and this neighbour said “It’s okay. Stop talking and jumping too much. You’re a girl. Don’t be acting like these boys”. To a child that’s less than two oo!!
I made sure to warn her seriously never to tell my daughter such a thing, right in front of my daughter, and I’ve made sure my baby doesn’t stay in her presence anymore. Even when we’re at our balcony and she’s passing by, I monitor all her mini interactions in front of our door.
This is also the same neighbour that has said my daughter talks too much for her age and ladies should not talk like that. I don’t take such things lightly.
In our home, my daughter doesn’t even know that gender roles exist, because we all do and say everything. So I remove her from the presence of anybody that will come and be saying otherwise. And I also tell her that can she play as she likes and with any type of toy she likes. If I stop her from doing anything, I tell her it’s because it’s dangerous or not safe, and let her get the idea that even the other boy toddlers in our compound shouldn’t be doing it as well.
There was a time in my life where somebody was always telling me “You talk too much”, “You’re too hyper”, “You need to calm down”, and sometimes I’d get flogged brutally for “doing too much”. Plus many other deprecating stuff. Mind you, I was just 10-12. This era affected my confidence a lot, and it’s something I never want my daughter to experience or feel, so I encourage all her energy. Even though it’s exhausting a lot of times when I just want to rest😂, I’d rather tell her to take a nap so she can have more energy when she wakes up, than say she’s “doing too much”. Or even let her hear me telling someone that. NEVER.
I don’t want her to have to unlearn being less confident or shy.
To anyone raising a daughter or a new girl mum, my first advice is to read CNA’s “Dear Ijeawele” and have it ingrained in your brain. It is a very good first step, and your mind will be much more open from that point.
And I’m sending you plenty hugs because e no actually easy🥹🫂.
HN
Yes, being a feminist has impacted the way I parent my daughters. It has helped me not parent from a place of perfection, to not shield them from the truth which is that this is my first time doing life and I am just as clueless as they are about many things. It has also given me the privilege of not exerting pressure on them or any expectations that is reserved for them particularly because they are girls, I expect them to act human, I also encourage and discipline in that line. It’s being a feminist and reading feminist women that have equipped me with the level of self awareness that allows me to understand myself and extend that grace to them.
I never want my daughters to second guess themselves and their place in the world, I don’t want them to carry any shame as they move through life. I want them to know that being here is all they need, the rest is a bonus for all of us and everyone who has the privilege to be part of their lives.
The advice to girl mum’s is not to push themselves too hard. Parent from a place of truth. Own your mistakes and teach them to own theirs. Let them know that actions have consequences and don’t project your fears into them. Let them figure it out, guide, teach and allow them to make their own mistakes. The kids are going to be fine.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.