One of my favourite short story collections is Nearly All The Men In Lagos Are Mad which was written by Damilare Kuku, a Nigerian writer, actor and radio presenter.
It is a collection that spoke on serious issues like emotional abuse, infidelity, the search for children and sexual abuse in a manner that while also serious, did not portray the women as victims.
In the last story titled Independence Day, I got another glimpse into how devastating rape and sexual assault both are on women’s psyche and bodies. It’s not like I did not know. But that story shook something within me.
Without giving too many spoilers and with a full disclaimer that that story is triggering, in it, the main character was raped and it changed what she ate, how she saw gifts from men and even saw her carrying knives in her bag wherever she went.
Too often, issues like the abuse of women are not taken as seriously as we should take them. Afterall, people still stream the music of artists who came out openly to say that they raped women.
What does it say about our collective views on women if people are comfortable collaborating with men who have been outed multiple times as abusers? This is especially given the fact that when it is women who are brave enough to out abusers on social media by themselves, the fans and followers of these men often push these women into hiding and away from the public eye.
But I digress a little. The effects of abuse on women’s psyche and bodies often last for an entire lifetime.
There are women who were raped as children and seeing men who looked like their assaulters almosf twenty years later can cause their entire day to be ruined. Should we also talk about the after effect of sexual abuse on women’s sexual lives and bodies?
How some women suffer from sexual disorders like vaginismus because their brain still cannot divorce itself from the belief that every man who is touching them is the same as the man who violated them?
Even in cases of domestic violence and even when the women leave, should we discuss how these women still suffer from low self esteem? There are women who have left abusive marriages but still battle with standing up for themselves in the workplace because there is a fear that lingers in their subconscious.
And then the question becomes why? Why is our pain as women often dismissed? Why are brands comfortable collaborating with men who rape and assault women? Why do we not treat men who rape and men who beat like the spoilt beans that they are?
Speaking with Daniella, she believes that the effect of abuse can show up in women’s daily life but with intentionality, it can be overcome.
In her words: “I think admitting that you are not okay is a first step. Then intentionally seeking help. I think sexual abuse is not only bad because of the abuse itself but also because of the stigma surrounding it.
Now, I’m not saying go around and tell people your story, but speaking up about it to someone that would keep it confidential and hold your hand on the days where the heaviness of remembrance is too much is actually important.
Admit it actually affects you and the way you deal with relationships (even unromantic ones).
Speak to a trusted, helpful person.
Look for self destructive patterns that you display in your future relationships, how you handle conflict, certain words or beliefs that trigger you.
Basically, retrace your steps carefully and re-evaluate what you think your future relationships should look like, standards and all.”
Abuse needs to be taken more seriously. The first step for women who need to heal is to realise that the shame is not on them.
By collectively transferring the shame back to abusers, the society can aid the healing of women and girls who have encountered any form of abuse.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.