The Lesser Discussed Phenomenon of Toxic Mothers

If there is a film series that I believe more women need to see then it is definitely Blood Sisters which featured actors like Kate Henshaw, Ini Dima-Okojie and Nancy Isime. It is a series that explores domestic violence, marriage and friendship between women.

Without giving too many spoilers in the series, it is also one that exposed to me how family members who are meant to protect, can be the very reason why women are forced to stay back with violent men.

In the series, one of the main characters had a fiance who constantly beat her. Her mother was aware of it and instead of encouraging her to choose her life, her mother told her to endure it because that was the only way her rich fiance would provide resources for her father’s business.

Now, there are several songs and stories done in honor of the effort put in by mothers when raising their children. Mothers truly deserve the praise for raising children because most times, mothers in sub Saharan nations especially, carry most of the burden in childcare. 

So yes, mothers deserve the praise and policies must be put in place to ensure the burden of childcare does not rest solely on the shoulders of mothers and women generally.

That said, there must be space to discuss how some mothers are patriarchal and toxic towards their children and in particular towards their daughters.

We need to discuss how some mothers prioritise their male children to the point where they encourage their husbands to take away their female children from school because “there isn’t enough money”. One has to wonder if that excuse would be applied if it was a family of all sons. 

Furthermore, where are the discussions on how some mothers are the very reason their daughters stay in marriages that are emotionally abusive? Where are the discussions on how a desire and pressure to ensure their mother gets to be “Mother of The Day” during a wedding is part of what makes some only daughters marry even when they do not want to?

How do we move forward if we cannot adequately discuss how some mothers are so enamoured with maintaining the image of a “happy family” that they intentionally overlook a cousin assaulting their daughters? 

That they intentionally come up with excuses for the uncle known to ogle at the bodies of their barely developed daughters? That they even blame and sometimes beat their daughters for not “dressing properly” should they be catcalled in the market? This even if the mothers were the ones who dressed them up before they both left for the market? How can we move forward?

To better understand the far reaching effects of toxic mothers, I spoke to two women.

Below are their responses.

Tata*

When I was 13 and had just started my period, I missed it the following month, and my mom reacted by beating me harshly and calling me names. I’m talking about big time beatings and calling me a prostitute. She even threatened to take me for a virginity test. I’d rather not go into details, but I’ve simply endured the relationship, carrying a lot along the way.

For me the cause of their behaviour can be from: Society Standards and Expectations. Both of which can be overwhelming for mothers, pushing them to impose strict, sometimes unrealistic standards on their daughters. 

Cultural beliefs about femininity, obedience, or behavior can cause mothers to become toxic. I don’t have a strained relationship but maybe I will soon because I am a queer woman, who was outed by my younger brother last year. It was a horrible time for me, got the beating of my life, threatened to kill me, bathed me for three nights to take out the spirit of lesbianism from me.

Folakemi

So I grew up in an abusive home. My parents were separated before I was born and my mom took it out on me when I was a teenager and she got married again when I was 8. My step dad was abusive so my mom was probably depressed. I couldn’t tell when I was younger. She would always hit me for the most irrelevant things and abuse me at any given opportunity. 

She always told her sister everything I told her and they would mock me with it. I hated her for years

When I was 15, a teacher in school was trying to groom me. I went to his place a few times because I didn’t know better. He tried having sex with me every time I went there but I was always screaming so he’d stop and try again the next time.

The school authorities found out and sacked him immediately and they embarrassed me in the assembly and I was dropped from my post as the Head Girl. I was also suspended for 2 weeks which was later reduced to a week after my mom begged. They told all her friends and her sisters and I felt like I was going to die.

The teacher told the school that he just saw me following him one day and that he didn’t invite me to his house. My aunts called me his wife for over a year and the man was not blamed for trying to sleep with a fifteen year old.

I carried all the shame and blame for years and when a friend raped me and I cried for days and didn’t eat, my mom didn’t notice anything was wrong with me. I couldn’t tell her because I was ashamed and would be blamed for going to his place. 

I’ve forgiven her and moved past it. I spoke to her about telling my business to her sisters and she called her friend and told her that I insulted her. 

I just decided one day that she doesn’t know better and just decided to overlook everything she does. We’re cool now but I’ll never tell her a lot of things.

She later accepted she was wrong and apologised for always telling my business. My advice to other ladies is to let go of shame. Shame is a mindset and it’s not yours to carry. Always have it in mind too that she doesn’t know any better else she would have done better.

Esther

From my mum’s experience, my grandma wanted a male child first but my mom came first, followed by four more females. 

She hated my mum so much that we her children felt the heat of her hate.

~

The home is said to be a safe place but the truth is that toxic mothers can see the home being the first point of trauma for their daughters.

It is therefore important that more holistic conversations are had about how patriarchal mothers continue the cycle of pain.

Only then can true progress happen.

  • *Name changed to protect identity

Recent Articles

Related Articles