Grooming exists in various forms and is essentially the prepping of an often younger party to be comfortable enough to partake in a sexual or romantic relationship that is often inappropriate.
Grooming enables abuse situations to thrive because once groomed, it is often harder for the younger party to leave or spot early on that it is abuse. This is because grooming leaves the younger party or anyone really in a perpetual state of being stuck mentally in the first show of love rather than in the present state of disrespect.
In Nigerian universities, there is another form of grooming and it takes the form of the October Rush culture. In this culture, older university boys seek out the new and often naive first year female students and these relationships tend to be very toxic if they do remain.
But what do women think? Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share their thoughts on grooming in Nigerian universities and the October Rush culture.
Read their responses below.
EJ
I can relate a bit. I had a boyfriend in the second semester of my first year and into the first semester of my second year. He was in 300 level, eight years older than me, and a chaplain in our worship centre. At first, it felt comforting to have someone who seemed to care, he was always trying to be there for me. But with time, I realised he wasn’t giving me breathing space. He was clingy and wanted to see me constantly and didn’t want to see me with anyone else.
He lived off campus, so he would often bring me food and buy me things. Being in a private university like Babcock, where options are limited and the food is mostly vegetarian, it felt nice to have someone who could “spoil” me a bit. At that age, it’s easy to confuse attention and gifts for love and it was a flex to also have an off campus boyfriend.
We were in the same faculty and the same worship centre, so it was like I couldn’t escape him. He didn’t want me attending any other church, and he started calling me “Mrs.” and attaching his surname to my name. At first, it was cute, but later it felt like he was trying to brand me as his property.
By the end of my first semester in 200 level, I broke up with him. I was 18 and felt like I hadn’t even started discovering myself. I wanted to meet other people, explore friendships, and just do my own thing without being around him all the time. He didn’t take it well and he sent people to beg me to reconsider. But I couldn’t because I needed my freedom.
Sometimes when I look back, I wish I had said no from the beginning and set boundaries.
So, my advice to the young girlies entering university is this:
1. Don’t rush into relationships. Take your time to understand people before giving them access to your emotions and space.
2. Pay attention to how you feel. If someone’s presence feels suffocating, it’s okay to walk away.
3. Set boundaries early and stick to them.
4. You don’t owe any man a relationship just because they were “nice” to you.
5. Avoid building your identity around a relationship, especially so early in school.
6. You are allowed to say no, even if you said yes before.
7. Don’t see boys or men as the prize. You are not in university to be claimed or owned, you are there to get your degree.
8. Stop seeking male validation. You don’t need a boyfriend to prove you’re desirable or important.
9. Surround yourself with good female friendships. Other women can be your safety net and support system. Stop following the bandwagon of women saying ‘I prefer being friends with the opposite sex because women have drama’. No, you need to have genuine female frienships and have a community of like-minded women.
10. Don’t let anyone use religion or mentorship to control you. Be discerning. Not every ‘church brother’ or male friend has pure intentions.
Keep your faith and boundaries strong and know who you are before anyone tries to define you. Also build your self-confidence, values, and personal goals so no one can manipulate you or make you feel small for choosing yourself.
Remember to focus on why you’re in school. Relationships will come and go, but your degree, skills, and growth will stay with you. Don’t lose sight of your priorities.
JO
I don’t really have an experience with this but we used to call it ‘Catch Them Young’ in OAU. So yeah, definitely grooming.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.