There is a story I often think about. I cannot remember the name of the novel where I got the story but it goes like this: A Nigerian man and his daughter had gone to a popular restaurant to eat and to celebrate her birthday. From the description of the man, it appeared that he had had her when he was older and so he looked much older than her.
Upon getting to the restaurant, they were met with stares from everyone and one white woman plucked up the courage to approach him.
When she moved to their table, she insulted him for being brave enough to bring his “sugar baby” openly and went on a rant about how he was a predator.
I cannot remember the exact details about how the story ended but I do know he stood up for his daughter who was beginning to feel embarrassed.
I have often thought about the above story anytime I think of how male sexual entitlement affects both men and women.
Male sexual entitlement can be said to be the entitlement of men to women’s bodies. It can show up in examples of abusive sugar daddies who feel their money gives them a pass to be abusive towards the young girls they sponsor.
Male sexual entitlement can show up in instances of paedophilia and grooming where men target young children and teens and either outrightly marry them or wait till they are eighteen whilst sponsoring them in school. Male sexual entitlement can show up in rape culture and particularly in rape cases between husbands and wives where the husband feels that his wife is his sexual property to do as he pleases.
The idea of consent is incomprehensible to him because his defense is that he has paid bride price and as such is now her new owner away from her father.
But how does male sexual entitlement and the resultant effects on women’s psyche hurt both men and women?
Simply put, it creates an avenue where fear rules the day. I’m not one to defend men or imply that all men are saints especially when all men benefit from the actions of violent men by simply being seen as “good”.
However, I am well aware that ideas that govern male sexual entitlement can directly and indirectly affect the manner in which men can be accepted as “good fathers”.
For example, about three years ago, a popular female OAP who I shall not name, came on TV and announced that she can never let her husband bathe her kids.
Her fear was surrounded around the sexual assault of her children. While everyone dragged her, what I felt for her was pity.
Pity in the sense that she may have been abused by a family member and so her own form of protecting her kids was to disallow her husband from doing his duty as a father. How many men know that women have this fear and so even if not child molesters, will willingly not engage and do their roles as fathers?
To give another example, it is not unusual in the evenings and late at night to see a mother and her child. Hardly anyone becomes suspicious. However, if it is a man and his child, everyone assumes that he is a kidnapper or child molester even if he is the father.
Those people cannot be blamed because too often male sexual entitlement sees grown men exploiting young children. In addition, this has made several terrorist groups and kidnappers to use women as points of contact because of how it is assumed that women are less disposed to harming people than men.
Speaking with Stephanie, she explains that in her life, she’s observed that male sexual entitlement also affects older women.
To quote her: In my opinion, it’s much bigger than personal cases. I’m in my village right now, we’re planning to bury my grandma and one nonsense half-blind foolish old man came and demanded attention and subservience from my mother. He said confidently that he can still marry a young woman as some sort of justification, mind you he’s married. He viewed my mother and aunts who met him as lesser because of the sexual entitlement, if he can sleep with one woman then other women are as lesser just like his wife. He might not be able to sleep with them, but he can sleep with someone even younger i.e better, so these women should gettat. They’re not worthy or equal.”
She continued by saying: “A useless blind delusional fool viewed his manliness (constant reassurance by society that he’ll always be valued and will always have a woman sex slave) as a prop for his belief that all women are lesser than him. This affected how he viewed ALL women.
And even in cases where the woman is married and she’s insulted but her husband comes to argue or the man finds out she has a husband and relents. He’s relenting because he see the woman is already under another man, so he’ll be benevolent to her just to respect her husband.”
The problem with male sexual entitlement is that it creates an atmosphere where fear and resentment thrive.
This is such that healthy relationships between men and women are hard to form and until the entitlement of men to women’s bodies is addressed, then we shall continue to have situations of women rightfully looking at all men through the lens of predator for her own protection.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
