If there is a book more women need to read then that book is definitely Nightbloom by Peace Adzo Medie, a Ghanaian writer and academic.
It is a novel that explores the themes of immigration, family dynamics and the effects of poverty on the relationships between women of different social classes.
Without giving too many spoilers in the novel, it is a book that also showed me the long term effects of sexual assault on women’s progress.
Not only that, it showed me how fear is often used to rein women in and allow for the actions of abusive men to thrive.
In the novel, one of the characters was assaulted by her mother’s male relative and instead of standing by her, her mother and sister kept insisting that should she talk, she’ll be bringing shame upon the family.
They also asked her if she was not afraid of those she knew from secondary school finding out that she was a victim of abuse. What followed next was her getting into a thick depression and abandoning her dream of being a medical doctor.
In order for the patriarchy to thrive, women have to be forced to accept that we are inferior to men. I say forced because women’s supposed inferiority to men is not a natural phenomenon. There are several ways that women are forced to accept that men are the heads and that our lives are to be lived in service of them.
One of those ways is through violence; violence against our bodies and violence against our minds.
The fear of violence and the fear of what people will say should it be discovered that we are victims of sexual abuse keeps many women from living fully and freely. The fear of violence and the resultant use of shame has resulted in many women acting in anger at women who are bold enough to realise that shame is not for us.
Fear shows up in several ways in sexist societies. It shows in the way women are scared of wearing mini skirts else they experience catcalling in the market. It shows in the way women may be fully clothed but are scared to walk in certain streets because they know men are often there in groups. It shows in the way women are scared to ignore the advances of random men who ask for our phone numbers because we are scared he may end up killing us.
Even outside of the threat of physical violence, the use of fear also affects the romantic, careers and interpersonal relationships amongst men and women.
For example, women who are raised in fear may not know how to confront a partner who removes condoms during sex for fear of being reprimanded or the man leaving her. Women raised in fear can see such women not knowing how to assert their worth financially when a client is owing them money. Women who are raised to be afraid of confrontation may be the types of women who buy houses but put it in the names of their husbands because they are scared of being insulted by their husband’s family members.
And why does any of this exist? Why have we raised women to be so afraid of our own voices? Why have we failed to realise the dire consequences like even STI’s that can come from a woman staying with a cheating man because she is afraid of being alone? Why don’t we teach more young women to assert boundaries and not be afraid to speak against the boys who bully her in school? Even more, why have we raised girls who believe that a boy who is treating them badly is because he secretly likes her?
Speaking with Idayat, a writer and designer, she explained that women being raised to be likeable and women living in fear go hand in hand.
In her words: “I think society forces women to be likeable, right from childhood. So we think of how others will feel about us being good and likeable women before considering our well-being and boundaries. I think women are raised that way because society prioritises men and also thinks the entire world should be from the male perspective, basically patriarchy and sexism will keep on functioning when women aren’t only subjugated but when they are taught to disregard themselves and instead focus on how to be likeable which is actually a continuous performance for the male gaze.”
She went on to say: “I think this affects a lot of women. Women who refuse to leave or speak out because they are scared of not being liked and as a result, they keep getting into negative situations like with men and the workplace. Also, men expect women to perform for their satisfaction too and a lot of women are male centred, so even when they don’t want to do it, they do it because it is expected of them, because of fear, and because they won’t know the type of person they are if they don’t.
The solution is actively unlearning seeing ourselves from male perspective. It is being a feminist. It is questioning beliefs that don’t sit right with us. It is searching for ourselves and seeing us. It is acknowledging that our sense of self supersedes society’s convenience. Expanding our horizon and accepting beliefs that are outside of our comfort zone.”
The truth is that fear and invariably shame remain tools used by the patriarchy to ensure women conform.
However, no woman can conform enough for society because there will always be a flaw waiting to be pointed out in women in any sexist setup.
It is therefore important that women unlearn fear if we desire to thrive.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.