One of the ways sexism thrives unprovoked is that men categorize women into desirables and those who must work hard to gain the attention of men. Sexism also thrives through men making concerted efforts to ensure that women stay away from other women such that learning is impossible.
That is why women’s only safe space groups are frowned upon. That is why “gossip” is seen as an inherently female evil; this despite the fact that when women “gossip”, stories are shared and a pathway to understanding can be reached. A perfect example of this scenario is women sharing stories in hair salons and traditionally women only spaces.
I’ve observed that in these places, the stories commonly touted as “gossip” or “women’s talk” can be the starting point for a woman to know that there are better options and most importantly, that she can create wealth away from a man’s influence.
As a storyteller and writer myself, I believe that women must learn to speak with women who are unlike them. You should speak with women from your own culture yes, but you should also speak with women from other cultures because it helps give you empathy not just for them, but also for yourself. It also helps you realize that infact, sexism is a system that can be undone no matter what the men in your community have lied to you about.
For instance, as an Igbo woman who comes from a culture where women are traditionally denied landed property, I have always wondered internally if it is indeed possible for women to hold land and material wealth even when married.
It wasn’t until I made an open call on my Twitter asking women from other Nigerian cultures how inheritance works, that I realized that it is not just possible, but it is infact doable and in current practice. Women who were Yoruba for one shared stories not just of inheriting, but also of managing and allocating inheritances even to the males in their home of birth while married.
It’s no surprise that one of the barriers placed on women is age. Older women are shamed by men because their bodies are not “desirable” anymore. This can lead to younger women holding those older than them in contempt. But for women’s rights blogger Iretomiwa Ekisola, it is different. She says: “Working with older women has been eye opening. They provide guidance on doing good work and navigating work dynamics i.e gender dynamics, age dynamics etc. Also, I think that putting women against each other that some men do in workplaces is an effective divide and conquer strategy. You get distracted fighting for crumbs when he is eating the bread”.
For lawyer and writer Kelechi, her experience talking to women of different sexualities inspires her desire to centre women’s stories and voices. In her words: “I have worked with women of varying sexualities and generally I find them being more empathetic. Women are generally very kind and helpful. In a way women of different sexualities are in my opinion (the ones I met) very protective especially those who are lesbians. So even when I fundamentally disagree with them I still find a level of protection from them. I’ve also learnt a lot from how [queer women] live and I think that has influenced my feminism because they are very true to themselves. One of the advice I was given was: ‘You are replaceable at work and at home. You are replaceable to everyone other than yourself and maybe your kids’. I sat with that for a long time!!”
Speaking with Amanda Tayte-Tait, a writer and Zimbabwean documentary producer, she emphasizes that it is important for women to network with women who are unlike them. She said: “In one of my jobs I worked with a white woman. With her I could work from home and this was happening way before remote work became a thing. She also taught me about cultural perspectives in relation to women. I could do things that [may not have been] possible with Black people and Black men in paricular”.
For Ghanaian writer Steph, she believes “that men create barriers because we allow them as women”.
In her words: “I believe men create barriers because we allow them as women. Sometimes we can be too cliquey. ‘Married ladies clique’, ‘Single ladies clique’ and so on. We are too proud of separating ourselves from other women whom we consider different from us. We also put too much worth and prize on men as the ultimate gain in life. Because why would you be [disgracing] a woman your serial cheat of a husband cheated with? It’s because in your view the man is the prize, and the prize cannot be disgraced. You disgrace the one who wants to take the prize instead.”
Steph ended by saying: “There is a lot of propaganda against women. Started by men and promoted by women. We expect perfection from women and that’s why having just one or two bad experiences with women makes us say nonsense like ‘Women are each other’s problems’. When in reality most of the problems we go through in life are caused by men. How many female bosses are there in comparison with male bosses? But we will highlight one 1 of 4 as opposed to 10 out of 20.”
Commenting on the bad effects of women judging each other based on their relationships, writer Amara said: “I didn’t think the married women clique thing was an actual thing till I saw it happen with my own eyes. A woman will get married and her entire clique of friends changes but the man gets to keep all his friends. Fine and good. I get a lot of factors can contribute but haba!
Your main core, your support system… all your friends just dropping like flies, with you further isolating yourself in the marriage. The people that have known you before you even met the guy are no longer in your life. I’m not married so I can’t really speak on this experience but there’s a lot of expectation on women to be good wives/mothers and not nearly enough pressure is placed on the men to be equally good husbands/fathers. In fact, no pressure at all. If you like, do. If you like, don’t do.”
Talking to women who actively center women’s voices from another culture, makes you realize that sexism occurs everywhere. What is just different is the manifestation of it. It makes you understand that the only way to survive is through female solidarity and women supporting each other to overcome barriers.
Most importantly, when you talk to women who are unlike you, you are filled with a deep love for women. One that lets you glow at the progress even for women who are similar to you. One that gives you the space to stand in your truth and find your tribe of women to hold you afloat.
One that will always make you tilt your head in doubt when statements like: “Women hate women”, get uttered at you.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
