As a child I grew up travelling to my mother’s village to see my grandfather and relatives every December. My grandfather who is still alive at 95 is my only living grandparent.
I totally enjoyed listening to his stories about Igbo culture and I loved going to the village streams with the rural kids.
My Decembers seemed like something straight out of an 80s Nollywood Epic movie.
One of my earliest memories involved taking a large anthology of short stories titled Ali Baba and The Forty Thieves from my grandfather’s library at 10 and reading it in the living room while the chatter of my cousins’ could be heard in the background.
My grandfather was one of the people who unconsciously gave me my love for reading which is the reason I’m a writer even now.
As I grew older and became more intentional as a feminist, I naturally began questioning more events around me. One of the questions I asked myself internally was this: “If my grandfather was a woman would he still be able to pursue his dream of being a published historian at 90?”.
I asked myself again: “If my grandfather was a woman would he receive backlash if he said that he had no desire to wipe diapers of grandkids but instead wanted to spend that time focusing on the dreams not allowed him in marriage?”.
What triggered this questioning you may ask? I saw a tweet where a South African woman (@neo_url) said that her grandmother never had time for herself because she took care of her kids, her grandkids and even her greatgrandkids until she died.
To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. But far more than shocked, I was hurt at a world that normalises free labour from women even up until we take our last breaths.
How many dreams of older women have been cut short because they do not have the needed time and support culturally to go after them? Why is it seen as okay for women who should be ideally resting to never retire from the burdensome nature of child care?
Even more, why have we created a society as Africans that sees care work of children and even sick family members as the activities done freely by the women in the family?
Why don’t we have adequate structures around paid care work and why is it that even women who focus only on doing care work of the home and children aren’t appreciated financially? Why is caring for the family never appreciated and yet still seen as something all women married and unmarried are to do expecting no pay?
Moreso, this care work is demanded often by men and young girls are raised to never imagine a relationship outside of performing free domestic labour. One that the men in their lives never reciprocate but see as their right as men. Isn’t that the same as slavery?
Although the South African woman’s story about her grandmother is not unusual, it made me realise that contrary to popular belief, women do not even get to experience happiness and the “joy” of their children taking care of them in old age.
If anything, they are the ones who are called on randomly to take care of their children’s children almost as if they have no lives.
Is this to say that there are no grandmothers who may even want to visit their daughter’s homes as a relief and respite from husbands who don’t appreciate them? No.
Is this also to say that older family members should not give support to those they call loved ones? Again: No.
However, when there is a discrepancy is how support is offered such that older women are by default since as free daycare centers, it must call for questioning.
Older African women especially must be encouraged to explore the full range of their talents even in old age. They should be supported to rest, relax and take premium care of their health.
Their old age should not be spent cooking fresh meals everyday and being controlled even by their sons.
When they do decide to offer support, it must be fully appreciated by other family members and with the knowledge that she sacrificed her time to add to the betterment of the children’s lives.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
