The Damaging Effects of Praising Silence In Women

It is no news that cultures and religions around the world praise the virtues of silence, meekness and docility as virtues that mark a woman as “good” and particularly desirable.

In the Bible, women are told to learn in silence and full submission. However, it is interesting that when women are needed to push sexist beliefs in churches, women’s voices are more than welcome to scream that husbands are the head of the family.

The effects of celebrating silence in women are far reaching and dangerous. 

For one, a woman raised to be silent and submissive would have a very hard time asserting her worth in the office when it is time to negotiate salaries. This is because silence as a virtue in women requires that we intentionally shrink ourselves and not take up space. 

In the workplace as well, women who embody the virtue of silence would be less willing to report cases of workplace harassment or even plain bad workload even when help seems readily available. They would not know how to state their discomfort because they have been raised to keep quiet so that “peace would reign”.

Even more, women raised to be silent and meek would find it hard to promote themselves online and put their businesses out for potential customers to see. 

This is an especially damaging effect because the world is fast becoming digital and job searches are also becoming digitised too. It is the person who has actively and shamelessly promoted herself and stated the jobs she is looking for, that often gets referred when job opportunities come.

To further understand the damaging effects of silence on women’s work and well-being, I spoke to five women.

For writer and editor Shalom, the side effects of praising silence have shown up in her life as her being uncomfortable about money-related matters. She said: “Mine is a lot of things but the strongest issue is always money. I used to sell myself short so badly. I still do it and I’m just forcing myself to come out of it.

Asking my parents for money or things made me (and still makes me) so uncomfortable. And especially my work too. I’d feel bad about negotiating rates, about asking for more. It was as if merely talking about money was shameful or something”. 

She went on to say: “I thought it was unique to me until I read and listened to other women and realized it’s also a gender thing. That and the way girls are socialized especially in Nigeria to bend and fold and make room for every discomfort. It was early this year I started having the mind to negotiate better for myself thanks to a women’s networking group called The Emecheta Collective. I also noticed the sheer boldness of men that literally are not half as good writers as I am when they talk themselves up financially. Although sometimes I still occasionally sell myself short, I’m teaching myself to be better in that regard.”

Shalom also revealed that she finds it difficult to ask men for money and in addition to silence, thinks it is something a lot of first daughters deal with. She points to being unable to ask her ex for anything and him only giving her when he himself thought of it. 

However, she said that she’s also noticed that men know the difference between how first-born and last-born daughters are raised and so go the extra mile to meet the needs of last born daughters cause the latter are more vocal in asking for help.

Speaking with editor and tutor Elohor, she explains that being raised not to voice displeasure and to be silent has made her have a difficult time confronting people. 

In her words: “It means that my most toxic trait is ghosting when I’m offended. I just leave them. No shout, no talk. I’ll just stop talking to them. I hate confrontation with everything in me so you’ll just not hear from me again or until I can talk about it without crying. Unhealthy but that’s it.

I think this comes from a childhood of not being listened to, being told to be silent, being told I didn’t have the right to be angry, for example.”

This pattern of caregivers and parents preaching silence and obedience in young girls is not limited to Elohor. For Isabella, a writer and upcoming developer she says: “My parents tried their best to tell me not to voice my displeasure, but I’m not an obedient child. So I speak up, because it’s annoying when my mind goes over something I could’ve prevented.”

She ended by saying: “I’ve learnt that what you allow will continue.”

When asked to share her thoughts on women being silent, blogger Iretomiwa Ekisola said: “I have been told that being outspoken is a masculine trait. That good women are the ones who don’t upset anyone. I genuinely felt and still feel it’s foolish. But it can be hard to be the outspoken one. People automatically assume I am being difficult in the office and in relationships. It can be difficult to “own your voice” because society reinforces the need for your silence. The alternative though is that you become a docile doormat. Like Zora Neale Huston said: “If you are silent about your pain, they will kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

For Kelechi, a lawyer based in Nigeria, she feels that even silence doesn’t offer women the protection it claims to give compliant women. In her words: “Growing up I also saw women silent. Most of the time it was out of fear of abuse. But mainly some also thought it made them wiser and that they could somehow learn to speak in multiple other ways as opposed to just saying no.

The truth is that they were never happy. At best their new language was ignored and at worst they were still subject to abuse.”

She went on to say: “It made me pity these women but I also hated them because they couldn’t protect anyone, especially themselves. I have heard all sorts like being assertive or loud or even setting boundaries are all masculine traits. Truthfully I’ve concluded that I will not be doing any of it. I get it, women cannot afford to be loud or unlikeable or anything but both loud and silent women all get the same treatment so fuck it.”

It is evident from the stories shared by these women that praising silence in women has no real value to women and only serves to aid sexism throughout women’s lives.

Women and young girls in particular must be raised to understand that they should speak up in distressing situations. 

Moreso and most importantly, they should not be shamed for doing what all humans need to do to survive, which is communicating.

Angel Nduka-Nwosu

Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.