One of my favourite statements by a feminist comes from Doreen Caven, a writer and designer. In it she said: “No one can make you leave a relationship until you are ready”.
It is a reminder that truly the work of feminism as it pertains relationships is to arm women with enough resources to jolt us into an awareness. One that enables us become strong enough to leave negative relationships.
In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share what that moment was for them and how they knew immediately that they were going to leave a romantic relationship.
Read their responses below.
RP
He was too clingy. Giving obsession. Always video calling texting. Wants to know where I am, who I’m with.
And when my dad was very ill and I was his only caregiver, he was still angry that I wasn’t giving him enough attention. Mind you, his “anger” isn’t aggressive, loud, or even strong. It was those “baby like anger expression”. I got tired. Then his mum was always calling to help us settle misunderstandings, even the one I didn’t know we had.
Also, he began to be involved in my politics. I was still a student and he didn’t like it when I mobilised for protests or wrote articles questioning the university management. He’d say I wasn’t affected, there’s no need. Then I found out he was from a home that was solidly APC, I just made up my mind.
N.B: All of these happened simultaneously. I was seeing the patterns and noting them and the relationship didn’t last beyond 6 months. Not even sure it was up to, because we had sex only three times.
MI
I was dating this 30+ man and he was always cheating on me because I didn’t want to have sex yet (or that’s what I thought), he would cheat on me with other women to the extent that the women will come to my dms or see me at an event and tell me.
This happened more than five times and when I confronted him the last time he said “I chose you, you should be happy I chose you to be my wife”. I almost ran mad that day. I was so sad that I cried for being stupid.
I am glad I left the relationship because I was so young and naive. But that was the moment that opened my eyes, I broke up with him right there.
AD
My first and only relationship lasted a few months. We started in close proximity but situations changed and it became a long distance relationship. Communication was tremendously poor, I was the only one keeping the relationship going.
One day, I decided to speak to him. I called him in the early hours of the morning and spoke with him. I told him we were in a long distance relationship and I have been the one keeping the relationship afloat. I asked him to call in too so we can make the relationship work, he told me ‘S, I know you’ve been the one keeping this relationship together, if you are tired, you can let go.’ So, I did.
I was 18 then but I’m so proud of that girl.
JO
I just thought: “I’m better than this shit.”
Full stop.
TA
This was a case of someone who was obsessed and honestly a bit mentally unstable, even though he was a medical professional.
At first, it looked good because of the gifts and money. He used a high level of love-bombing constant gifts, money, excessive calls, video calls. But I quickly realized I wasn’t going to be swayed by all that.
There was zero trust. He’d intentionally use third parties/friends to find out what I was doing, where I was, part-time stalking basically. It was very, very obsessive.
To the point where any decision I’d randomly mention, things you’d normally talk through with a partner, he’d always say no. He’d try to use his money to block it off or force his own option instead. Anything that wasn’t coming from him shouldn’t be taken.
In the space of one month I knew this was going to be a problem. And I mean this every single day, emphasis on every single day, there was a fight. No call passed without an argument because this guy was just stuck in his ways.
He was also a single father and made a couple of condescending comments about me in reference to his child, literally comparing me, a grown woman, to a 2 year old who barely knows left from right.
I told myself if I continued with whatever this was, I was going to lose myself trying to match his energy. Because I was hell-bent on giving him exactly how he served it, and that wasn’t me.
IL
He was self centered. Not selfish but self centred. If it doesn’t affect him, he’s not standing up to do anything. He’d tell me: “Shey I have given everything? What more dyu need? Attention?”. This usually comes when he’s playing Ps3 with his friends (tbh, it didn’t bother me). But guy, make we go find food chop na, e go say e never hungry (me i will now wait like a mumu). Na 10pm, 11pm we dey go chop.
He was a last born, everything was done for him. He’d leave plates under his bed for weeks. He’d not sweep his room and all. Na me make that mf clean him room.
He became shady about a female relationship, till I caught them fucking.
Na so I trek from him house reach my room for Choba, under rain, crying.
MF did not bother calling. Bastard came the next morning to guilt trip me that I didn’t call him. I knew that this is the end abeg. It was hard o. But yea.
OT
I realised one day that God loves me too much for me to be allowing a nigga treat me like that.
IZ
It was not really a relationship. More like a stupid, complicated, situationship. But I was young and dumb. So was the guy.
One night, we had a silent quarrel, then he went to the room of a lady crushing on him, and spent the night there.
Next early morning, I left his house to mine and never looked back.
From there, I went to the beach, sat in the water and just took deep breaths, told myself I will be fine. And I am mehn. I am more than fine.
UI
He was my first and I specifically chose him because he was also my friend.
I, however, noticed after we started having sex that it seemed all he saw me for was for sex. He wouldn’t text me or even call until he needed to burst a nut. I always felt weird after it. Also, he never made attempts to know anything else about me or even try to. It felt like the friendship ended when we became intimate. Anyhoo, it was my first hand experience into knowing how men truly are.
What made me end things was that I realized that I deserved better, I had joined TEC by that time and reading the experiences of other women radicalized me. I didn’t like who I was when I was with him. It felt like I always needed to impress him, to make him comfortable, to appease him and he wouldn’t even do jackshit for me. I went to his, spent the night, woke up, greeted the fucker and he ignored me. Omo, my eyes cleared immediately. I left and he didn’t reach out to ask whether I hadn’t gotten home safely or anything. No yawa now. I said my mind and he ghosted me only to reach out to me months later to talk things out. Lmao, God forbid I go back to what I had purged out of my system.
While we originally started a friends with benefits situation even though I wasn’t benefiting shit coz he didn’t even make me cum once, he asked me out officially but I reasoned that we might be fucking but he wasn’t even kind towards me, it’ll be a disservice to myself to be exclusive with him.
It was after all these ended that I started thinking back to the things he did and said and I wondered why I stayed that long. It was for 5 months btw. One of which was when I was on my period and I had very severe cramps and this guy kept hounding me to come to his place and I said I was on my period and had cramps and he said I should still come. I refused to and he got angry. Oloun maje. I figured I like myself too much to settle for that
This is the first time I’ll be saying this out loud.
OL
He took food away from me. As in food stuff he got for me. And I was having exams and sick and no money. He didn’t talk to me for one month after he drove off. He still even justified what he did. I told myself to stand up and never again.
Because we had a fight and I said I’m an adult. So he said since I’m an adult and can take care of myself, I should drop what he brought for me.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.