A lot has been said about pregnancy and the pain of childbirth.
From statements like: “Every woman’s joy is motherhood” and “Once you hold the child the pain goes away”, it can be said that women’s achievements are expected to be topped off with motherhood and marriage.
But does the pain really go away once the child is held? Even more, what happens in the recovery stage and how can we better support mothers?
To answer these questions, Urban Woman Magazine asked some mothers to share their post-partum experiences.
Read their responses below.
MT
The first few weeks were very tough. I won’t even lie.
After delivery, I had to get stitches because I had multiple tears. Asides that, I was in the clear and was up and about almost immediately. My baby latched well and I had no trouble breastfeeding her. Milk production was on steroids; I’m either breastfeeding, pumping or letting it free flow because wetin man go do?
Support on the other hand? It was lacking. My mother-in-law would come for 2-3 days at a time. By morning she would leave for work and come back late in the evening. I was up all day and night watching the baby. My daughter wouldn’t sleep in her bed or cot.
I had to always carry her on my chest while sitting up. She would also cry for hours on stretch while my mother-in-law would just be snoring away. I didn’t really see the essence of the omugwo since technically it was still me doing all of the childcare. Thankfully I had a maid who was handling every other thing around the house.
I think by week 2, I broke down from exhaustion. I cried and just wanted to jump off a bridge but I didn’t have anyone to share any of this burden with. My mum didn’t really come around either and when she did, she wasn’t really of much help either. Said the baby was too small for her to bathe and would most of the time be on her phone.
It was a church member who came to bathe my baby and press my body (I’ve forgotten what they call that thing where they will press our stomach to release whatever blood residue was left). My husband also comes home mostly during the weekend due to the nature of his job so yeah, not much help there either. My sister was in school so I cut her some slack. My sisters in law could care less, still haven’t visited till this day.
I definitely wasn’t getting adequate sleep and it worsened my insomnia. I didn’t have post partum depression but post partum kinda worsened my depression. If that makes any sense. All in all, it was a shitty, lonely experience.
I would have loved for family to intentionally show up and at least watch the baby for an hour or two so I can get pockets of sleep. I was really, really paranoid about Sudden Infant Death and would watch my daughter like a hawk just to make sure she’s still breathing.
God punish Tiktok for putting this fear in me. I know most of it was just oju aye and I just couldn’t 100% leave the safety of my baby to them.
My suggestion?
- Don’t get pregnant if you don’t have a reliable “village”. People who genuinely care to carry you through that season and not treat your baby like just another shiny object in a display glass.
- Outsource whatever you can. Award has finished in Igwe’s palace.
- Also when water starts to pass garri, talk to someone. Don’t carry the burden alone. I didn’t have friends to talk to either so it was very, very lonely. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I suffered.
- If you need to step away, please do. Leave the baby with someone trusted and reliable and take yourself out. Go and breathe in some fresh air. Mum guilt will come but ignore it. Your baby will be fine. I didn’t do this and I regret it. I had so much resentment and felt like a prisoner in my own house even though nobody tied my ass down.
- Sometimes, people don’t take initiative. Tell them what you need from them and how they can help. I assumed because everyone around me already had childbearing experience, they would preempt my needs and come through for me. Lmao.
AN
The first 6 months post partum were a crazy blur for me.
Due to the abuse and neglect, I was depressed, underweight, not lactating, having BP issues and extremely, extremely overwhelmed.
It was when I left to my mum’s place a few weeks after my daughter turned 6 months, that I had a semblance of peace. The first thing I did after getting there was sleep straight for about two days.
I was only waking up to respond to my friends’ messages and letting them know I was okay. My mum immediately took over and all the things I’d been struggling with my baby were handled in less than 24 hours. My daughter who had refused to take cereal finally finished the whole tin I’d been struggling to feed her for about a month.
Did I say my mental health was in shambles? It was practically non-existent. I think my major turning point was when the BP issues started when my daughter was about 4 months. I was out of it for a few hours, and when I came back to my senses, I knew I had to leave before they killed me or something. It was a very alarming time for my friends and especially my family because we do not have any BP issues in our health history.
Anyway, the major issue was I had little to no support. Because of our living conditions then, my mother could only take care of me for about two weeks after I gave birth. By the third week, I had to start bathing my child myself, despite not being healed from the tears/stitches yet.
I also never really stopped working. It was either that or my child and I would starve.
Plenty traumatic stuff sha. But thankfully, it’s all past. The only thing is that I can’t really watch happy stories of women’s birth/postpartum comfortably yet. I still feel like I was robbed big time + feelings of resentment for innocent mums sharing their joyful moments. So I avoid such content/stories for now.
Things I would have loved others to do for me:
– Not dismiss my feelings: When I opened up to my partner about the depression, he laughed at me and used it to taunt me.
My mother also said “Are you the first to give birth?. God forbid. Don’t say that”. But at least she apologizes for it nearly every week now. It really stung then. And the only people who listened and helped me process my feelings were my closest female friends, and mom communities I joined.
Those communities will forever have my heart because they crowdfunded for my other needs and even got me a therapist. Although I couldn’t speak to the therapist because I didn’t have privacy, but the thought that I wasn’t alone really did something major for me.
– I would have also loved people to just let me sleep. I needed rest so badly. From the first night with my newborn that I was left to attend to her alone, till the day I finally went back to my mum (except the few times my mum was able to sleep over and help me before she left), I was so sleep deprived. Constant exhaustion was my best friend, and I know it also contributed to the depression.
Even when visitors would come and I would pretend to be asleep just so they would leave me alone, the inconsiderate fools I lived with would still wake me up and tell me not to be rude to my guests. The best visitors I had were my female friends. They just let me sleep and watched the baby.
– I would have also loved more money. A new mom can never have too much money and gifts. Even though the wild animalistic fool I was with thought I was getting too much money. The money is never enough.
I don’t have any suggestions on how my experience can be better because I’m definitely not doing it again😂. I’d rather die. I tell everyone who cares to hear that I am “one and done”.
But for other mums, I’d say:
– Don’t do it if you don’t have bastard money to buy you a village. If you cannot afford support (asides the one your family and friends will do in their different capacity), delete that thing. Don’t bother yourself. Because you will become a shadow of yourself but most uninformed people will still ask you to be happy because after all you have your “bundle of joy” and “Gift from God”, so why are you acting stressed?
– Again, money is the key. Money will buy you support in whatever form you like. Name the type of support you need, and I promise you money can buy it. So if you don’t have enough money, remove that thought from your head now.
– I also suggest to new moms to see how they can receive less visitors. Have your partner or family deal with people on your behalf or whatever. Just rest as much as you can. Whether you feel like resting or not, REST. I personally don’t visit new moms until their child is AT least 3 months. Of course I send my love and support in whatever way I can before then. But to go see them physically (if we’re in the same area), I don’t do it until 3-4 months. And I explain my reasons to the new mom all the time. So far I’ve done it with 9 mums, not one of them complained. It’s always a welcome idea.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.