If there is one statement I have come to deeply dislike, it is: “Vengeance Is Of The Lord”. I hate how that statement is often said in religious spaces to prevent women from pursuing justice especially in cases of rape and sexual assault.
Even more, I hate how that statement ensures that the culture of sexual assault thrives because God is not coming down to ensure a rapist is apprehended.
I was reminded of that statement when I watched an Indian movie called Mom. Focusing heavily on revenge in the area of sexual assault, Mom was one of the first movies I watched that showed women taking meticulous steps to avenge sexual assault done on those they love. Since then, I have realised that preventing women from taking vengeance is one of the ways sexism and the patriarchy thrives and silences women.
More often than not, a woman who wants to take on her own pound of flesh towards a man who sexually assaulted her or even lied to her romantically is told to let it go. She is told that vengeance is not woman-like and that she should wait for God to avenge on her behalf.
What is interesting to me is that several movies exist of men deciding to take vengeance against someone who robbed their families or an uncle who denied them inheritance or even those who said they would never turn out well.
Why then is vengeance seen as unladylike? What or whose system is protected when women are quiet about sexual abuse? Who does it benefit when a woman at Yaba who is catcalled is called unladylike when she slaps the man who does so?
What feminist progress is slowed down because women as a collective are taught to swallow pain and let things go? What is taken away from the fighting spirit of young girls when we tell them to ignore a boy who took their toy and is chastised for beating him? Who does this benefit?
Speaking with Jojo, a Nigerian digital marketing specialist, she explained that it could be because of how women are raised to be calm and “loving”.
In her words: “I think women are being bullied constantly to be the ones where love pours out unconditionally because we’ve been tied to our wombs.
So why would someone assault that and make what comes out hatred?
That’s not the brand and then we’re back to being bullied to be this ever constant fountain of love givers. I haven’t witnessed abusers but my friend had an abuser let go by her father.
I’m not sure she’s okay because of that till today and that wounds me a little.
I believe there is no way around hell apart from through it.
We MUST unburden ourselves from the shackles of love and wanting to be loved and what being loved entails because at the end of the day love was created by a poor man who didn’t have money to express true love.
Love even when you have it will always be overrated and can be lied about and manipulated.
Valuing love relationships outside men especially with women is extremely important.
We must know that love is always unconditional from a fellow woman; only then can we start tackling the shame because if we weren’t so stuck on love and what it’ll do for us we’d have gone very very far.”
Women deserve better than the deal we have been served. It is the height of male audacity to beat women, rape women, abuse women and yet have the temerity to sing in music videos about how you were once a player (read: emotional abuser) as a man.
Until women actively stop giving endless grace to men, we would always have cases of men using women’s pain as a footnote to their redemption.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.