It is not a lie that most societies and communities are structured around religion and religious rites. From value systems around marriage to things like naming ceremonies and child dedications, religion often colours how people navigate the world.
However, religion has often been criticised as one that sidelines women and promotes the oppression of women.
So what happens when women actively choose to leave religion?
How do they navigate those who feel that a good woman is a religious woman and even more does leaving religion impact how women engage with patriarchal structures?
Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some women to understand what was their turning point as regards leaving religion.
Read their responses below.
PA
I think it was easy for me being a pastor’s child cause I had first hand access to some of the shady things pastors/religious people do behind the scene.
When I left Deeper Life, all the churches I went to rubbed me off wrong as well. I would ‘give my life to Jesus’ one minute and be smoking next few hours. It didn’t help many of the churches had misogynistic people as well.
One day I just told myself I was wasting my time and stopped going in 2021. And to be fair, my life has been much much easier and simpler since then.
Jojo
Okay make I add my own two cents.
Omo this has been an internal and physical battle especially when you grow up in a super religious household and your parents are still religious.
I was in church one day and I started to realize nothing about what I was learning or seeking was tracking for me it was one moment and I just lost it whatever connection I felt to this higher power left.
I’m agnostic but I didn’t start out that way I wanted to really understand what religion was and what it meant for me.
My mum told me I was broken and Jesus will bring me back together and I was uncomfortable by it, there’s this disrespect and abject discomfort that holds people especially Nigerians when you tell them you’re not a Christian and all they do is try to convert you and belittle your beliefs when you’re not doing that for them because I know how important religion is to certain people I just never have the right as someone who hasn’t had that experience to dispute it science or not.
I think I first had to accept this was my journey and most of their expression was from a place of discomfort so I try to let it not bother me but it gets uncomfortable especially with my mum because on many levels I value her opinion but like you this is just one I do not have the mental capacity to take on.
Leaving religion has been freeing because for me anytime I look for it is when I feel like my wrong would be washed away by it. And for me it just isn’t as black and white anymore just like most of life so subscribing to it doesn’t positivity affect me.
Harachi
Silence. I was craving quiet, as a woman since I was born, it has been so chaotic, the does and don’ts.The expectations from women that I saw not being extended to males. Then the lies, the lies were to much, as soon as I had the ability to rationalize everything and question it all.
I didn’t make sense to be associated with such level of deceit but I think what did it for me was reading the bible again and that passage that insuinated that a woman was created from the rib of a man. I wondered how much lies that went into the rest of the story and I no longer want to associate myself with it.
I don’t think it is possible for every woman to be irreligious. I don’t think everyone has the ability to not believe in anything or to depend solely on themselves to go through life.
To be human is to suffer and some people want to hold onto faith that some being might be with them through the suffering and make it easier.
I just hope that women who stick to religion use it to their own benefit, rewrite the stories and have it cater for women in the next 1000 years. Sojourner Truth was a Black preacher who was also a powerful feminist.
Blessing
My decision came in 2018. Was arguing with atheist classmates and they were like “why doesn’t God end ALL sickness instead of just healing willy nilly?”
I think that broke something in me. That a deity would have the power to end all suffering and not do so. Well.
Ifechi
One of the reasons I completely left religion was due to an experience I had last February. There was this man, who had an only child and a family friend, well-respected within our church. Around 2019, shortly after I started school, he told my mother that he would like his only child to marry me because he believed I was well brought up lol. My mother was open to the idea, stating that if it was God’s will, then there was no problem.
However, by 2022, things took a different turn. I was informed that they had received numerous messages and prophecies indicating that we were meant to be together and therefore destined to marry. I refused, which led to significant arguments between my mother and me. By that time, I had begun to lose interest in church. I often felt that my family’s church was filled with illiteracy and old-fashioned beliefs. Even when I tried attending Dominion City, I noticed it was still focused on singles and messages about being a better wife or attracting a good husband, which did not resonate with me. As a result, I eventually stopped going and would only visit my family church occasionally when I returned home from school.
In January 2024, the man and his family decided to visit my house again, and we exchanged contact information. Initially, our conversations went well until he began to talk about submission and respect extensively. I couldn’t even joke with him without it being perceived as disrespectful. If I argued with him, it meant I didn’t honor him.
Before these conversations escalated, he mentioned that he would be meeting his spiritual father, a pastor in Awka, who, according to him, was in his mid-thirties. He believed that God had directed him to seek guidance from this pastor for the rest of his life. I didn’t see this as a problem initially since he had shared how this man had inspired and motivated him.
However, after visiting the pastor, he informed me that his spiritual father wanted to meet me as soon as possible. He told his father, who then informed my mother, and they agreed that I would go. I even decided to forfeit an important induction ceremony at my school for this meeting.
When I finally met this pastor, the atmosphere felt intimidating. He started asking me inappropriate questions about my past, including my “body count” and if I had engaged in any relationships with my gender. He manipulated the situation, and I felt guilty and scared about what he might tell the man’s father. I even started crying because he accused me of lying. I had never been in such a situation before and didn’t know how to react.
He told me that without his approval, the marriage could never proceed. He then called the man to ask if he would end things upon his advice. The man surprisingly agreed.
I was really scared because I felt intimidated and manipulated, which led me to share things with him that I would never have told anyone else. He insisted that I pray and connect more with God and other religious teachings. After that incident, I told myself I didn’t want to continue with this situation, but I was too afraid to speak up.
Even when I revealed everything his pastor had done to me, his only response was that he didn’t understand why his pastor acted that way, but he believed it was for my good. He went on to say that I needed to submit to his spiritual father, meaning him.
Several things happened during those three months, but the core issue was religion. This guy couldn’t even make life choices for himself; every decision he had made as an adult had been dictated by his pastor. He didn’t even show respect for his parents.
This entire experience completely changed my perspective on religion and made me start questioning everything.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.