One of the most captivating documentaries I watched this year was Tinder Swindler.
Without giving a lot of spoilers, it is essentially about how a man manipulated and scammed several women into parting with money, using the tactics of love.
He met them via the popular dating platform Tinder and got several into money related troubles.
In the beginning of the documentary, one of the women said that she is always going to be on the lookout for the kind of love depicted in Disney fairytales. The kind of love that is reminiscent of a prince coming to save a damsel in distress from trouble. According to her, in her life, that saving may appear like healing her of her childhood traumas.
Now, while I admire her honesty, I felt saddened by it because love and especially romantic love is a dangerous concept to place your ability to heal and derive happiness on.
Is this to say that there aren’t cases of people becoming better due to having found love? No it isn’t. Is this also to say that wanting even romantic love is bad as a woman?
Again: No it isn’t.
The desire for companionship and human connection that transcends being platonic will always be a part of human existence.
Rather, this is to question the harm that can come with being obsessed with “finding the one”. It is also to question why it is mostly women who search for love manically in hopes that we would be healed.
Most importantly, it is to question why women find it difficult to be comfortable with the idea of being single particularly at the age society says we must either be married or in a long term relationship leading to marriage.
In not knowing how to be single, lots of women have stayed in disrespectful and soul wrenching situations because they truly do not know how to do life without a romantic partner. This is even when their partners are not being partners in every sense of the word.
Moreso, in not knowing how to stay single and not see it as a purgatory leading to the “heaven” of marriage and relationships, lots of women spend time complaining endlessly about their partner’s behaviour because they lack the courage needed to face life’s challenges.
Not just that, in not knowing how to be single, numerous women fail to appreciate and nurture friendships that would offer warmth and support when life hits them.
To further understand how an inability to be comfortable being single affects women, I spoke to three women.
The first woman Steph, a Ghanaian writer said:
I enjoy being alone, trying new experiences by myself, lone walks and dates.
The person I was dating had to adjust to it, the same way I had to adjust to being with a touchy-feely person.
My mates used to think I was weird for always walking alone, or going on dates with just myself. But there’s just this peace and clarity of mind that comes with being alone. I also get to be very immersed in myself, I like that a lot.”
She went on to say: “I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid of being alone or staying in a relationship or friendship because of fear. On the contrary, I have longed to be alone, live alone, and maybe experience some loneliness (because I think it’s important for character development, lol).
I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I’m looking to be single for just as long.”
For Nkem, a content strategist, being single sometimes is the only solution to eradicating heartache even when there is deep love for her partner. She told me: “I’m comfortable being single. People I’ve moved on from later on say they think I didn’t love them because it was easy for me to turn my back on them. But, that’s not true because I’ve wanted someone badly and loved so deeply that moving on was hard and painful but once disrespect comes in moving on seems like my only option.”
Speaking with Melony, a writer and journalist, she explains that although she desires relationships sometimes, she’ll rather not compromise on her standards. She said: “Yup. I’m very comfortable being single.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want someone who I could rant to at the end of every day or someone who’d just be my “happy place”. But omo, the last time life was kicking me in the ass and I looked for escape in a man, I saw serious red flags that made me immediately remove myself (thank god it wasn’t something very serious so while it was hard to do, it was not tooooo difficult).”
She went on to say: “I have standards that I’m not in any way willing to compromise on. I don’t mind waiting till I’m 40 and I don’t mind never getting “my person”.
It’s super hard being single for real because most of my friends are boo’d up and I don’t even have a single person that I’m just even “talking to”.
Just me, myself and my friends but I’d take it 10 million times over getting into a shit relationship.”
To be totally happy in a world that says that not being married or in a relationship is a defect especially for women, it is important that women get comfortable with being single and with never ever finding “the one”.
It is important too that women see love as an avenue for support and companionship and not as an avenue for therapy.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
