How The Friendzone Perpetuates Rape Culture

One of my favourite African feminist books on female friendships is So Long A Letter by the late Senegalese writer Mariama Ba.

A key quote I took from it was one where the narrator explained that friendship has splendours that love may never understand. 

This was in response to her friend sending her a car after her husband abandoned her for her daughter’s friend.

Whenever I encounter kindness from any of my male and female friends, my mind takes me to that quote. Each time I get job opportunities from the people in my life, I am reminded that friendship for me is where my support system lies and not really in romance.

Now, there is a perception that when two people of the opposite sex are very close as friends, then they must “elevate” their friendship to a relationship. If the friendship doesn’t become a relationship, the woman is often accused of putting the man in the “friendzone”.

The friendzone is a term that people use often jokingly, to imply that someone has put another friend of theirs in a position where they can never be relationship partners.

What I’ve always found interesting is the way it is often women who are accused of putting their male friends in the friendzone. I find it harmful because it perpetuates rape culture. This is because it preaches the friendzone makes it seem as though women must pay men back for whatever kindness men extend to them.

And what happens when women are not willing to pay that kindness in the form of a relationship or sex? In a sexist mindset where men feel entitled to women’s bodies and time, the end result is that men will try to punish women for not giving them a relationship or their bodies.

This punishment often comes in the form of rape and sexual assault such that one wonders how someone who claimed to be a friend can end up abusing his friend.

What makes this particularly sad, is that in female friendships, no one ever says that one party is putting the other in a “friendzone”. This is even if both parties are attracted to the same sex. The focus instead will be the kindness and closeness each party tries to bring to the other.

However, when it comes to friendships between men and women, it is first viewed through the lens of a possible relationship occurring as opposed to the depth of the support given. This may be why there are several movies about a man’s female best friend not being accepted by his partner and then becoming his girlfriend in the end. 

Why is a relationship always the “logical” end between a man and woman who are friends?

It is because of this expectation of an eventual relationship and because of the way male-female friendships hardly have non-transactional actions and true kindness, that I find it weird when some women glorify male friends over and above female friendships. Is this to say that the experiences of women who have faced bad female friends are not valid? No it isn’t.

It is however to state that even in friendships between men and women, sexism, entitlement and rape culture rear ugly heads.

To further understand how the concept of the friendzone perpetuates rape culture, I spoke to a few women.

Speaking with Akosua*, she shared how a man she thought was a friend disregarded her boundaries and decided to spend a night with her.

In her words: “I had a platonic male friend for years. I tend to have a lot of male friends as opposed to female. I don’t  even know why. But I made it very clear that it was a platonic relationship. 

Our mutual friend and I had an undefined sexual relationship. When that friend graduated, the relationship ended and this particular male friend started moving to me. 

For months, I tried to let him know that I’m not interested but I valued his friendship as well so it was a hard place to be in. I had to be expressly clear that that’s not what I am interested in. For months, he would try, text me, invite me to his house, ask to come to mine. I would say no.”

She went on to say: “One afternoon, he says he’s around my place and wants to visit. I had just been saved at the time so I was trying to kill my demons and all. I also lived in an all female hostel and so I thought nothing of it. He will come and he’ll go. I lived alone and he knew. 

I don’t know if it was planned or not but this man decided to wait until the night to show up at my place. After a couple minutes of his company, I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t. I kept telling him rain will fall and he’ll have to run all the way home wet. But he didn’t listen for shit. I started shouting. 

Then he started calling me inconsiderate, selfish bla bla bla. He wouldn’t leave my room. Said there’s no way he’s going out under the rain. I asked him to sleep on the floor then and he still wouldn’t agree. He slept the night in my room alright but I made sure he slept first. I stayed up till past midnight just to make sure.”

Akosua ended by saying: “Men are wicked. So wicked. They’ve hurt me too many times. It’s like they are incapable of understanding boundaries. What is okay. What is not. I don’t know the type of men our Nigerian society is breeding but the majority of them are messed up. A friendship or even just hi hello is inviting trouble. And I learned that the hard way more than once. That’s why I’m so protective of my sister and the type of friends she keeps. 

To be friends with a man is an extreme sport. At some point, you’re going to have to start singing the “no” song. Constantly having to keep your guard up. Constantly fearful of when he will show his true intentions. Its hell. There’s always something. Disrespect.

The only benefit is maybe some jokes or having someone to call on to do physical work or having someone to protect you from violence. But there’s always the caveat that he could one day be the perpetrator of that violence. There’s nothing there to boast about.

I regret letting men into my physical space in the past. And moving forward, I try as much as possible to distance myself from them except for interactions I can’t help but have maybe at school or in the hallways of my hostel.

People always talk about how liberating female friendships are and I get it. I’m lucky to have the few female friends I have.

If you are someone with obvious weaknesses, men will take advantage of it.”

For Glory, she believes that due to how men aren’t raised to take no for an answer, it spills into their friendships too.

To quote her: “There is a certain way most men move, once you tell them no. Maybe a lot of them were not told NO when they were kids because it’s absurd really. Had this guy I was friends with and when he asked me out I said no. 

He stuck around; maybe he thought I would change my mind but I didn’t and had no intention of doing that either. He got kind of nasty in attitude. Maybe he saw that I was not going to budge and it probably infuriated him. So our friendship really fizzled out. These men act like psychos when you tell them ‘NO’. Maybe they should hear the word more often then.”

Speaking with Christiana, she says that the attitude of entitlement by male friends is one that has happened to her several times. She told me: “Yes, it has happened with multiple men. Here’s a summary of numerous experiences. They become passive aggressive when they realise I’m still not interested in them despite having “kept” them in the friendzone. They try to manipulate me into giving sexual favours and when I see through their bullshit, they gaslight me.”

She continued by saying: “Some of them have said I used them to achieve my goals when in reality, I’m the one who’s usually sacrificing for those creatures. Others have tried to befriend my mom and sister so that they can have more influence over me. When that didn’t work, they just treated me like I never existed. Some became disrespectful and I had to cuss them out.”

True friendship is one where values like love, kindness and trust exist. It is not one where both parties resort to violence or expect to receive violence.

If the concept of the friendzone is not eradicated, we shall have men and women who never understand and practise what it truly means to be a friend.

*Name changed to protect identity

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