If one is an African woman, there are two concepts regarding marriage and family that one is often forced to regard as normal. The first is the concept that man is the natural head and subsequently that a family is a ship that must have a captain who must be male.
One only has to ask why the domestic ongoings of the ship (read: home) are spearheaded by the non-captain.
The second concept is the concept of bride price which is paid by the groom to a bride’s father before a woman in the traditional sense is considered truly a wife and can live with her husband. Now, any logical thinking person would know that brideprice as evident in its name is a selling of human beings.
Any logical thinking person would also link this sale of women to inhumanities such as marital rape because it has placed upon women the status of property without a voice.
Again, any logical thinking person with some knowledge of the way Black people were sold in the Americas, would be able to articulate that the sale of African women in marriage is no different from the sale of Black people even in modern day Libya.
They would be able to acknowledge that just as the money paid over a Black person gave his white master supreme authority over his body as a slave, the sale of an African woman in marriage in the name of brideprice does give her husband the pass to be entitled not only to her body, but to her labouring as an unpaid chef and cleaner.
However, when African feminists bring up the gory reality of brideprice, even progressive women chant this statement: “Bride price is not a symbol of you being sold. It is a symbol of appreciation”. There can only be a statement so far from the truth as that.
Bride price is not a symbol of appreciation to the bride. It is rather a sexist symbol of appreciation to the father for giving the groom authority over his daughter.
Far more than that, bride price is the embodiment of hatred for women because it strips us of our humanity and renders us as properties to be moved and exchanged. Humans do not have price tags attached to them and whatever is sold can never be respected.
Even more, bride price puts into the mentality of male children who observe the wedding ceremony, that women belong to men.
It makes men who have only female children to tolerate them in hopes that they would enrich him one day. What then happens when these female children say that they have no plans of marrying?
The framing of brideprice as a symbol of appreciation does more harm than any good whatsoever. This is because it normalises the idea that it is okay to see women as potential sources or wealth rather than as human beings. It is this thinking that makes poorer Igbo men stop the education of their daughters, to then marry her off to a rich man such that her brideprice is used to help train her brothers.
Even in ethnicities where the bride price is returned under the guise of “we do not sell our daughters”, it still begs the question of why it is mandatory that the groom has to present a price and buy other items not related to money.
Speaking with Isabella, a writer and software developer, she agrees with me that bride price culture mirrors slavery and should be abolished. In her words: “I hate the concept of bride price and it should’ve been banished years ago. I don’t even want to know if it will be returned or taken by the bride’s family, it’s still ridiculous. Now, some people will argue that it’s culture and such, but there was a time when twins were killed for existing and that has been scrapped.
So what then? Women shouldn’t be standing for this. The talk of money as an exchange for a whole person is tantamount to slavery in my books. This is my personal opinion anyways, it’s irritating to think this barbaric notion has lasted this long.”
For Bolanle, a writer, she tells me that her disagreement with bride price is because it signifies the husband owning his wife. To quote her: “Bride price to me signifies ownership. When you buy something, you own it. It’s the same thing for women getting married. The ownership goes from the father to the husband.
Ask a Nigerian man what bride price means to him and you would completely understand why the whole thing needs to be abolished.”
When asked to give comments on bride price, Busola, a social worker said that the notion of asking for a bride price because you trained your child well is ludicrous.
In her words: “Bride price is deeply rooted in patriarchy and that connotes women being properties or lesser beings because why do families say it’s because I trained her well?
Why do they say that and tell the groom to present a price before he can marry her? She is your child, you are supposed to train her and take care of her, so you are not doing an extraordinary job; that’s your job from the moment you decide to have children.
It should be abolished. This is especially with the way men even think bride price means a total ownership of the woman. Hell NO.”
Speaking with baker Enifome, who is a loud advocate against bride price customs, she explains how observing bride price ceremonies has made her hate the custom.
In her words: “So as far back as I could remember, I had always thought of bride price as women being sold and I’ve heard people say it’s symbolic but in reality I have seen it’s different. You sit in a room where bride price is being paid and it’s almost like going to the market to buy a goat.
You hear things like: ‘Na fine girl oh, she complete, she never born before, na graduate’.
All of these are to say: ‘Look at her [uniqueness], you should pay more for her’.
Same way a goat seller tells you how that goat is bigger than the rest and so you should pay more.”
She went on to say: “Old men sitting together and haggling to decide how much a woman is worth and should go for.
Away from that, the men who pay the bride price feel a sense of ownership and never fail to let you know.
I’ve heard different variations of: ‘Men and women cannot be equal because woman no dey marry man’; ‘Na man dey marry woman and pay bride price” and ‘Why woman wey I marry with my money go dey talk to me anyhow’.
Even: ‘Women wey I pay bride price for no fit argue with me’.
I have heard different variations of the above and it shows that they see us as objects to be sold by fathers and bought by husbands.”
For Ada Bekee, a blogger and public health professional, her dislike for the culture of bride price mirrors Enifome as she tells me that she hates how it makes women not be our own people.
To quote her: “I think it is misogynistic because of the idea of transfer of ownership and the feeling of being bought. Also because of the whole idea of the girl going from the property of her father to her husband. Like she isn’t her own person. And that ownership kind of implies that the man can do with her as he pleases. I know it’s not that simple but that’s fundamentally how I see it.”
It is more than evident from the varied comments given by these women, that bride price only serves to first reinforce the idea that women are property and therefore subhuman and secondly to validate the violence that women face in marriage.
What then is the solution? For a culture as entrenched as bride price, the best solution is to replace it with a healthier alternative. One that actually promotes values like love and togetherness.
That alternative can be the sharing of gifts by both the groom and bride’s family. It may not be perfect and can be open to exploitation but it is better than a one sided culture that outrightly stamps women as dehumanised objects to enrich their fathers.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
